Those Little Energy Mooches!

A conversation for exhausted parents with ADHD who are ready to find their light again.

When I think about people, it’s usually in terms of light. That’s my woo-woo way of experiencing humans on this big blue space orb known as Earth. Some people have really bright lights, and many have either a light that is dim, or one that is completely crusted over from the shit of life.

Parents with ADHD have it supremely tough. Not only is there the chaos that naturally comes from just keeping these other mini light vessels alive, tending to their needs, but having ADHD makes it all a thousand times more difficult. Show of hands, how many of you parents with ADHD get your entire world upended when your kid tells you it’s a “late start” day or an “early release” day? I have this magical ability to book appointments that conflict with those. Every. Time.

(side note: I just ADHD coached myself after writing that. I’m going to create a work session to print out my kids school calendar and mark up my own calendar appropriately. I’m going to do a body double session in the ADHDBB body double room to get it done, otherwise there’s no fucking way. Ok, done and done, let me create an invoice for myself, pay myself, great! Let’s continue on with the show…)

I’ve been noticing a real gift and a personal draw towards helping people access and turn up the dimmer switch on their light. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a space where I’m helping others and I get to have one/one conversations with them. Perhaps I’ve gotten good at certain aspects of this job. I don’t really know the “where did it all start” of it. You know how some people just have some thing or things they are gifted at? I have a real knack for digging up the buried treasure of people’s light.

It’s so fun to help the helpers access that light and then nudge them forward. It’s awesome.

My soft spot is for parents with ADHD, because that is a chaotic struggle. I’ve done it. No offense to you beautiful children, we wouldn’t change a thing, you are precious and wonderful and you are adorable and I cherish every moment…ok did they leave the room? Is it just us now?…they are fucking energy mooches that drain our life force with their constant needs! But we LOOOVE them so much!

I felt this way during my time as a stay at home father to my two dudes. When your days are spent in primary caregiver mode, and you are doing park playdates, you’re changing diapers, feeding, potty training, cleaning, more cleaning, seriously why do we bother with the cleaning?!…there’s so much reacting to life that we are left with pure exhaustion at the end of the day. Naturally.

There comes a time when the kid/s finally hit school age, and our ability to move the needle forward on our personal goals comes back. That light wants out. We sacrificed our light for the benefit of our kids, as we should, but now it’s our time again, and time is precious. Oh, that’s right, and we have ADHD so it can be next to impossible to navigate that time.

So the days get wasted. Scrolling on instagram or YouTube for an hour after the kids get dropped off. Having an appointment in a couple hours so we turn on “wait mode” and don’t get started on anything productive because we have an appointment looming. Now it’s just after lunch and we have the post lunch nap because we are so exhausted, from something…we don’t even know what, but that exhaustion is real! Suddenly we are an hour away from picking kids up but we are sloggy from the nap and unable to move our needle forward on anything meaningful. Then we pick up the kids and it’s all about their needs again, as it should be.

Now we have the guilt, the shame of wasting another day and really let’s just pick an emotion out of the dysregulation hat…is it depression because we are wasting our lives and we are hopeless? Is it anxiety because we have to get something going or our world is gonna end? The obvious answer at the end of the day is to find solace in something unproductive but immediately rewarding. An escape… like beer, drugs, sex, video games, porn, doom scrolling, food, nicotine.

Or maybe this was all just me during my undiagnosed time as a stay at home dad and you are gettin a first look glimpse at my memoir? By all means, correct me if I’m wrong and this is all completely unrelatable.

I’m 50 now. My kids are in high school and college. I’m still battling with schedules, I still have ADHD and depression, but I’ve figured out what makes my light shine, and I’ve learned how to move forward on that in a way that feels rewarding. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I am making enough to follow my light full time. That’s a huge deal for me.

My light personally shines the brightest when I’m helping the helpers, or the people that would be helping if they weren’t so stuck in reactive mode to the chaos of parenting and having ADHD. I am great at throwing matches on your inner fire, seeing you light up at your possibilities, seeing hope find it’s way into your retinas. That juices me up.

My question to you: if you had all the time in the world, and were an expert at managing that time, what does your inner light call to you to do? Say it out loud in the comments, even though you feel like a big loser imposter that has no right to even say it, even though you don’t have x degree, or y training, or z time to make it happen. What would reward your soul? Pretend you didn’t need money to make it happen. What would it be?

Second question: if you are a parent with ADHD who struggles with your light, would you be up for a 15 minute call to shoot the shit about it. Not a sales call, I’m looking at what kind of answers you need. It’ll be me asking you questions and thanking you for your time. Wanna? Here’s my calendar