The Tension Isn't The Problem

How to do stuff, even though.

There’s a tension that happens when I think about doing the laundry. Or the dishes. Or exercising. Sometimes it’s a subtle tension. Vocalized, it would be a casual “not now” when thinking about doing the task. Sometimes it’s a massive tension, one that creates a monumental tantrum inside of me. That one screams “NOT. NOW! NOOO!”

I talk about this on this week’s ADHD Big Brother podcast. Listen to it here.

There’s often a thought that “I just need a system for this.” If we had a system for this then we would be able to do the things. Because somehow the system will eliminate the tension.

Unfortunately, I have not yet discovered a “system” that moves ‘doing the laundry’ out from one of Dante’s nine circles of hell. There is always going to be tension to doing the laundry. God I hate the laundry.

If the laundry, or your taxes, or updating your resume, or yardwork, or clearing the clutter…if it’s always going to have tension to it, then how are we supposed to get it done?

We have a couple of successful ways of doing this at ADHDBB. The first, and most important, is felt accountability.

Felt accountability is the belief that your actions will be evaluated by others with potential rewards or consequences for that behavior. The simple way to think of it is that if we promise somebody we are going to do something then we will feel nervous about having to answer to whether or not we did it.

There is no safer place to experience that feeling of being potentially evaluated than amongst our peers. ADHDers do not judge other ADHDers on the things they are trying to accomplish. We naturally support each other without condition. That, or I have built the rarest support place on earth.

Imagine having a safe place to declare to others that you will be doing your laundry today. The nervous feeling that you are actually full of shit. The uncomfortability that comes from feeling judged, even when no one is judging you. The safety in failing at doing your laundry.

And what will happen if you stay in that tension, if you stay curious about the failures, if you invite insight, then eventually you become a person that unlocks their own unique ability to “do the laundry” even though there is tension.

This is how an ADHDer can ‘just do it’.

The second way we do this is with gamification.

When we add a shitty task into part of a game, it’s so much easier to do. We have over 30 challenges that can be attempted at any time in ADHDBB. And any time someone is struggling to do a task, finding a way to turn it into a game/challenge is usually one of the first things we do.

We talked about holiday cards recently and how many of us want to send them out, but they keep getting pushed off until it’s too late. This year we created the “I Actually Mailed Out Holiday Cards” challenge. I created a badge that you get on your profile in the online community if you succeed. And guess what? We succeeded! It wasn’t about the cards, it was about winning a game.

We have members who create Bingo cards for things they want to achieve this coming year. I had a member mention to me that she has a few bingo squares that will give her a bingo if she does them. How exciting! Now she gets to pick which of the three shitty things (that she said she wanted to get done) is less shitty. It’s not about doing the thing, it’s about winning Bingo! And the reward she is giving herself when she gets that Bingo.

Question for you:

For the things that suck and create tension inside of you, how might you give yourself felt accountability or how might you gamify them to get them done?

If you don’t have felt accountability in your life, come experience it with us!