Saying We Want Change Isn't Enough

Can't have the sun without the heat

I had the opportunity to attend a Rhiannon Giddens concert recently and one of the most moving songs I heard that night was a song by Leyla McCalla called “Sun Without the Heat”

The song is beautiful and the way she presented it at the Hollywood Bowl was that many people will say they want change. They say they want things to be different. They want the sun, but they don’t want the heat…or the work it takes to make that change happen. This is very timely coming on the heals of all (most) of us standing up and hitting the streets with our protest signs.

It’s an amazing message. And it connected me to the struggles we have with ADHD sometimes. When looking at how our brains function, we often talk about wanting a system that works for us. We talk about the routines and habits that are ideal for our lives. We talk about better managing our time. But in every instance, there is going to be some level of “heat”. There is a “doing” of something to make that change happen.

I empathize with this because as an ADHDer myself, I know how fucked up my skull spaghetti can be when it comes to getting started on a task that has some heat to it. Any heat and the task becomes “not now”.

So what do we do? Read another book about ADHD? Watch another YouTube video about ADHD? Maybe somebody will say something just the right way and it’ll be the spark that ignites that perfect system we know we have inside of us.

This is a huge point of frustration for me. Maybe it’s because I’m turning 50 and I’m getting that curmudgeon energy going?

Let me tell you why I think community is the answer for this. And I will absolutely acknowledge that community doesn’t fix ADHD. No one can force you to log in or show up to a community. There is some effort required on your part. But if you can log in, holy shit can you achieve a lot.

Here’s an example of some of the heat that we have been experiencing at ADHD Big Brother so that we can have the sun:

We just wrapped up a push up challenge. I participated as well. I went from being able to do 5 pushups in one sitting (felt horribly embarassing to admit that publicly) but as of writing this, I have completed my final set of the six week challenge and my sets of pushups were: 32,30,21,22,21.

If I wasn’t doing the challenge with other members of the community, I wouldn’t have done it.

We are currently doing a 30 day sobriety challenge. I am participating in that one as well. We connect via WhatsApp and reach out when we find ourselves in “tight spots” where we are really wanting a drink.

If I wasn’t doing the challenge with other members of the community, I would have had a drink the other night at the Hollywood Bowl concert for sure.

We have a space for daily accountability where we declare the thing we want to get done that day, and we are going after a day streak to see how many days in a row we can follow through. We have one member who is over 500 days. IN. A. ROW. Many others have earned a Skull Spaghetti Master badge, having done the thing they said for 100 days in a row.

This isn’t toxic productivity where you force feed productivity every day, either. Some days that one thing might be to meditate for 10 minutes, or treat myself to a nice restaurant. It’s all about declaring intentions and practicing the art of doing what we said; something that many of us have a horrific track record on.

Change requires heat

Change always comes with some heat. It's the effort, the discomfort, it’s the doing of the thing. And for us ADHDers, that heat can feel gross, tension-y, just plain awful.

But what if we could embrace accept the heat, not as a punishment, but as a necessary step towards that sweet, sweet sun? That's where community comes in. It's not about making the heat disappear; it's the sunscreen that makes it tolerable. It doesn't eliminate the effort, but it provides the protection, the shared purpose, and the gentle nudge that keeps you from getting burned out and bailing. It helps you stay out in the sun longer, so that you can soak up all that vitamin (D)one! What do you mean that was cheesy? It made me chuckle, back off.

But even with sunscreen, stepping into the heat has its challenges: that initial resistance to starting, the fear of not doing it perfectly, or the lack of immediate gratification. But when you're doing it alongside others who get it, those challenges become hurdles to clear, not brick walls.

Here's my challenge to you, and to myself: What "heat" are you committing to this week to experience more "sun" in your life? Maybe it's five minutes of a task you've been avoiding, showing up for that daily accountability, or simply telling someone what you intend to do. What's one small dose of discomfort you're willing to embrace, knowing the sun is waiting on the other side?

Let me know in the comments.

And if you are looking for your tribe of ADHD doers, look no further than ADHD Big Brother. We got you.