LEAVE HIM, CARLA (ADHD is no gift)

A closer look at my late in life diagnosis

I was diagnosed at 40…esque. ADHD; predominantly inattentive. They added depressive disorder into the mix later on. Makes sense... I was depressed.

I typically see a couple reasons why people get/seek the diagnosis later in life.

1. Their kid gets diagnosed with ADHD and then they realize, “Oh shit, those are my issues too!” Lo and behold! The apple doth not fall far from thine tree.

2. Life get so awful and either some magical spirit guide puts the right article in front of your eyes, or the right influencer in your algorithm and things start to click.

3. Or your marriage counselor tells you, “you might wanna get checked out for ADHD” while you are on the road to divorce.

I was #3. Craptastic! Which one were you?!

What usually happens, is we go through a period of grief and relief. Thank god this is more than “I’m a lazy loser!” And also, “Oh what I coulda, woulda done had I known and been able to deal with it effectively back then!”

A Lifetime of Normie Advice

More than half of the ADHDers inside my community, ADHD Big Brother, are 45+.

Most of us are ADHD educated. We’ve read the books, we watched the Tik Toks or the Intagram reels, or the Youtuberies. Everybody’s book was purchased or skimmed at Barnes and Noble. We know the science behind the dopaminopeptometer neurozippies. But we still can’t seem to get the laundry from the washer to the dryer, if we even got it to the washer in the first place.

We grew up in the “quit your belly-aching” generation. We were told, “I put the garbage by the door so you’d see it, and you just stepped over it?! What the hell is wrong with you?!” Or was that just me? My mom still reminds me of that. And I still argue back that to an ADHD brain on auto-pilot, my skull spaghetti radar just detected an “obstacle” and instructed my feet to “step over”. They just don’t understand the nuance of our brains.

You can have a well-meaning normie in your life, and god bless them for trying to be supportive, but man that’s gotta be hard to try and empathize with a condition that is so elusive to view as ADHD. “It’s just a task. I’ve seen you do it before. Do what you did then, when you were able to do it. Just do it.” I can’t really fault them for that advice. That’s how they would advise themselves. And inside, many of us are wondering why we can’t just make that work for us.

The problem is that many of us are still trying to use normie advice to fix ADHD struggles.

Why can’t I just will myself to do this stupid thing?!

So we have this lifetime of acting ups and letting downs. I’m not shocked that so many of us deal with depression. Imposter syndrome all day long. Triggers upon triggers.

I built ADHDBB for us.

We are aware we have it. We are debilitated by it. Great, now that we know that, what’s left to do? Wait until we get our heads above water? This overwhelm, this declaration that we have no time for time management is such a pain in the ass. I don’t want that for me, and I don’t want it for you.

I built ADHDBB for this. Come show up overwhelmed, too busy, frustrated. Come join your people and share it with us. Seriously. The way forward isn’t usually to wait until life calms down first.

Classic example, I’m in the shit as I write this; a stupid depressive episode while I write this. My brain is a big piece of shit. I put in my daily accountability in the community that I had to work on this article. Otherwise I don’t give a shit and I wouldn’t write it. My give a fucks are less than zero.

The only reason I went on my 30 minute walk today was because I’m in a challenge in the community and I don’t want to have to start it over. I could give a shit about my health.

I did three sets of pushups today. 50,26,30. That’s a lot! Damn, I just marveled at that when I typed it. When I started this dumb challenge 5 weeks ago I could do only 11 pushups. The only reason I’m doing them is because another community member and I are doing a push up thing together. And I get a badge when I’m done. Otherwise, like I said earlier, I could give a shit about my health.

I don’t want to be a person that waits for a depressive episode to pass first because who knows how long that will be? I don’t want to be someone that waits for my plate to clear before I sign up for a thing that will help. I’d rather just jump in and start receiving. In this case, mountains of support and accountability and encouragement. That’s what I want for you. You won’t do it right, guaranteed, so who gives a shit. Jump in sloppy. Come see how others are succeeding and failing in there. We all suck at this, and we are all kicking ass at it. Depends on the day.

But what is reliable is that we are showing up. Consistency, we got it.

What you won’t get from me is an attempt to convince you that ADHD is your gift. My ADHD ‘gift’ has been my ability to mentally shit on myself all my life. It’s a huge fucking struggle. “Oh, but my brain is so creative and it comes up with really funny things!” So what?! You gonna stay with the boyfriend who calls you a fat, ugly slob every day? “But he writes good music!” LEAVE HIM, CARLA!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER!

If you resonate with this article, I want you to join ADHDBB. Come experience what true ADHD support looks like, beyond the education, and the smoke being blown up your ass. ADHD is tough. But come see what getting your shit together, your way, can look like. Because you’ll have the accountability and support to move your needle forward.

Instead of trying to will yourself into a different brain, join us and feel the social momentum of our group.