How To Suck At Something Effectively
A guide to failing in front of people
Failing hurts. It’s embarrassing.
This article is for the adult with ADHD who can’t get started on important things until they are raging fires of urgency. It is for the adult who wants to get stuff done, but no matter what book they are reading, or AI prompt they are using, they still aren’t doing the actual work.
This is for the person that would like to join a group and try accountability, but is so afraid that they are going to fuck it up, or be the person that let’s everybody down, and they don’t have it in them to fail at another thing.
If that’s you, I want to invite you to fail. Come to a place where you are encouraged to suck at and fail miserably, over and over again. Come let us down.
We know we are supposed to fail to succeed, but what about failing at the supposedly easy stuff? That’s next level suckitude!
Normally, your typical ADHD adult will have a bright idea, it will be novel and exciting so it’s not hard to begin, and it promises to “change everything.” We are able to start on our own, like a regular adult making change in their life. It lasts however long it lasts and then WE FAAAAAIL!
Then comes the spiral downward, the retreat from the world, the helplessness, the hopelessness, the ‘nothing works’, the shame and embarrassment especially if we told someone we were making the change. Oh shit, now we have to avoid that person for months and pray that they don’t follow up or ask questions about it.
There is an art to failing that I would like to share with you.
The cliche is that we learn from failure. Yeah, duh. We all know that. It doesn’t change the shame and the guilt and the embarrassment.
I want you to experience the shame, the guilt, and the embarrassment. Does it help if I tell you there’s protein in it? Or a “dopamine hit?” I want you to join an ADHD group, like ADHDBB, and experience what it’s like to suck at something publicly. Not because I’m a sick monster, I swear! It’s because this is how we succeed the quickliest!
The only way to get on the other end of this ADHD crap is to accept the fact that you’re going to suck. You’re going to fail. You’re going to feel like you let people down. This can be very hard to do around the normies in our life. But in an ADHD group, you will find that people won’t shame you. They won’t judge you. They won’t say things like “You do this every time..” or “I’ve heard you say THAT before…” Find your other ADHD adults. If they are anything like our group, they will be the place to confess your failures and discuss what got in the way. From there, the answer to the obstacle and a game plan to overcome them arises. And encouragement follows.
And guess what?! You’ll get that enouragement and then you are going to suck at that, too! You’ll squander it! Can you believe it?! You JUST admitted failure, and you got all excited about a new way and got everyone juiced up and you failed AGAIN?! Oh my sweet merciful heavens that’s gonna sting. Yep! But guess what is different…rather than running away, having to make a bunch of new friends because you are convinced all these people hate you, this ADHD community doesn’t bat an eye. Yeah, you fucked up. So what, that’s normal. Let’s talk about the obstacles again. Let’s make a commitment again.
I haven’t even mentioned that this isn’t some life altering, major world changing goal that you are striving to achieve, either. I’m not talking about the Mt. Everest climbing, million dollar making, body transformation stuff. All this effort and announcing and failing is usually to do one of life’s most basic chores, like the laundry. The fucking laundry?! It’s no wonder so many of us are silently suffering. We are trying our asses off to do basic life stuff without any support because “I’m an adult, and I should just be able to do this!” Spouses don’t high five and bake cakes when you do the laundry that one time. There are no prizes and I wager it adds to the embarrassment to feel proud of ourselves for this basic stuff.
Which is why we do this stuff with each other. We gamify our daily tasks. We show up in body double rooms to get focussed. We high five and celebrate AAAAAANYTHING! Did you make your bed today? You’re a goddamn hero!
You already know I have the self-proclaimed greatest of all the memberships for this. I can confidently say it because this is how I get my own shit done. Yes, your ADHD coach is in a body double room writing an article. He’s declaring his difficult commitment to everyone every single day. He’s showing up to leverage the support of ‘other people’. But this can, and hopefully does, exist elsewhere.
Let’s look at it like a before and after. This is how many of us attempt to make change, vs how we could make change quicker and more rewarding:
Making a change alone
Day 1, excited to try new thing. Declare it to spouse/friends!
Day 2, did the thing, We’re on fire!
Day 3, life happened…didn’t do it.
Day 4, forgot…
Day 5 - 10, completely off the radar
Day 11, remember we were doing a thing and feel like utter shit.
Day 12-45 avoid talking about it because we don’t want to feel shame and guilt
Day 46 - 90 completely forgot about everything, even the shame.
Day 91 start to feel the need to change…cycle starts up again.
Making a change with the support of other ADHDers
Day 1, excited to try a new thing. Declare it to fellow ADHDers!
Day 2, did the thing. We’re on fire!
Day 3, life happened…didn’t do it.
confessed the failure. Asked for advice. Made new commitment.
Day 4, did the thing again! WOOHOO
Day 5, failed again?! So embarrassing. So frustrating. Why can’t we do shit?! It feels awful!
Confessed…again! Asked for advice. Made new commitment.
Day 6 - 10 New commitment has been working! WOOHOO!
Day 11 - completely forgot! Normally, we’d beat ourselves up, but we are cool with ourselves about it because we’ve been learning how to troubleshoot, and we implement a way to remember. We share our insight with the group. It helps somebody else. Double win!
Day 12 - Did the thing!
This is all the equivalent of the cliche, “if at first you don’t succeed, try try again”. The added component for ADHD is the acceptance of guilt and shame and. embarassment. There is no behavior change that comes with flawless success. But oh man, to become proficient at the art of failing publicly…that is the fastest way to get on the other end of this ADHD crap sandwich.
Question: who is/are your trusty ADHD-friendly support group/friends that invite you to fail publicly and accepts your greatness in all it’s sloppy, disorganized, procrastinatory glory?
You had me at "there’s protein in it"