How To Do Important Things That Suck
Adults with ADHD can do crappy important things...
I was diagnosed with ADHD around age 40. I am 50 now. One of my mentalities that I had early on post-diagnosis was that I could learn how to do a thing and then I would be able to do it.
But as we know about ADHD, it’s not about the knowing. Knowing how to do something does make us able to do it. We have a problem with the doing of what we know.
It feels like we should just be able to flick a switch in our brain, find that missing spark, and then we could perform like a normie.
So I would read self help book after self help book trying to find that one secret way to view life, to view a difficult task, to create a special goal. I would find this elusive special way that connects my values to my core beliefs to my intuition to my spirit and then I’d earn my normie powers. I’d be able to do the laundry when it was important to do it. I’d be able to get my taxes filed on time. I’d be able to complete a resume and apply for jobs.
Sadly, that’s not how it works. Or, to be scientifically accurate, that’s not how it worked for me.
I did find out a way to make things more likely to get done.
Externalization
I use that term across the board when talking about ADHD. We don’t hold stuff in our heads, so rather than fight myself on it, I prefer to create scaffolding around me that gives me permission to not hold stuff in my head.
Additionally, the issue with importance is that things that are important are rarely mission critical in the moment. I don’t have to do my laundry today. Nothing bad is going to happen if I don’t work on my resume right now. The argument might be that “well, if I don’t work on my resume, then I won’t be able to apply for a job, and if I don’t get a job then I’m not going to be able to pay the rent….” True. But nothing bad is going to happen right now. And the ADHD brain doesn’t entertain long term consequences. It entertains “am I being kicked out right now?” or “what is currently on fire?”
How then do we externalize an ability to do a thing? It’s still us that has to do it!
The best example I have of this is my good buddy Bryan. One time he found an entire CD collection of a Tony Robbins program by a dumpster. So we decided to do the program together. We were highly motivated by it. We did the exercises and talked about them. It inspired us. And we did the work.
So what happened? Why did we do the work?
Because we did it together. We were accountabilibuddies. Once we were done with the program, can you take a wild guess on what happened? Correct! We both stopped doing the exercises. Because the program was over. And the motivation left. And we went back to our respective auto-pilots.
Pre-ADHD Diagnosis I would have thought, “guess I failed at another thing.” If I would have spent the hundreds of dollars on it I would have felt even extra crappy!
Now I know that in order for me to successfully do a thing that is important to me, if I’m struggling to move the needle forward on it, I lean on the people in my community, both in real life and online.
On the ADHD Big Brother podcast, you’ll hear me refer to Bryan sometimes and the walk we do around the Rose Bowl on Sundays. If either of us is not available for the walk, do you think the other still goes? Nope! But if we are both able to go, then we do it because we don’t want to let the other person down. We are showing up for each other.
Before you spend money on the thing that you believe will fix you:
Make sure you have your game plan on how you will follow through. My personal view is that all systems work, if you do the work.
Please don’t think that just because you spent money you’ll be motivated to show up, though. That’s a normie concept. I’ve spent thousands and not finished the work on things! The ADHD tax hits us in many craptastical ways. Even the idea of just paying a bunch of money for ADHD coaching or therapy…it’s not enough. What is your plan for doing the work? How will you be accountable? It is imperative to have answers to to those questions in place.
Try externalizing with an accountabilibuddy!
We do this in a variety of ways at ADHD Big Brother, and you can do it yourself through creating a plan with a friend, family, co-worker.
Here’s how it might look:
You call up your buddy Troy. This is my pretend script, nobody talks like this…so pretend you are an actor and make it your own!
“Troy! What’s up dude! I need help creating my resume, will you be my accountabilibuddy? I’m going to work on my resume for an hour every day. I looked at my calendar and I know I could spend that time from 8:00am-9:00am all week. I’m going to make that commitment to you. And I’ll set an alarm at 7:55am to let me know to get started, and I will text you every day when the hour is up. All you have to do is thumbs up my text at some point so I know you read it. ”
Troy, because he’s your friend, will say “sure, man!” And if he’s a good friend, he’ll give you shit (in a non-judgmental way) when you forget to text him at 9:00am.
How we do it at ADHDBB
We externalize accountability through our daily accountability club. Members are going after a day streak of achieving the thing they said they were going to do. That thing could be different every day. One day it could be working on a resume, the next day it might be going for a walk. And another day it might be relaxing for 20 minutes in a hammock.
The important thing is that we are practicing the skill of honoring our word. We said we were going to do a thing, and we did it.
Knowing that other members are attempting the same thing at the same time creates a extra layer of motivation. And “putting it out there” to the community means that if we didn’t do it, then we’ll have to face it tomorrow when posting “day 1 again” instead of “day 34…” for example. It adds an extra layer of tension to not doing the thing.
We’ve found this to be an incredible success at ADHDBB, with members reaching day 100, 200, 300 and beyond…days in a row! We have two members who have successfully made it past one year. In a row! Imagine having that level of consistency toward a goal? It’s doable.
What are the ways that you are externalizing your accountability? Do you have an accountabilibuddy? Share your way of ensuring that you do the thing you said you were going to do!